Reader Steve Coffman forwards this excerpt from a highly recommended new book by Rush W. Dozier, Jr. In Why We Hate: Understanding, Curbing, and Eliminating Hate in Ourselves and Our World, the author summarizes the following strategies: 1) Be Specific 2) Empathize 3) Communicate 4) Negotiate 5) Educate 6) Cooperate 7) Put Things in Perspective 8) Avoid Feeling Trapped 9) Immerse Yourself, and 10) Seek Justice Not Revenge.
Rush W. Dozier, Jr.
First, be specific – in other words, identify any source of anger, pain, or threat with as much specificity and detail as possible. This tends to keep things in the rational areas of the advanced neural system, which are designed to handle uniqueness, and outside the primitive neural system, including the amygdala, with its relentless tendency to overgeneralize and stereotype. This approach is critically important with children. If a child does poorly on a test, a parent might say, “Let’s go over these math problems together and see what you didn’t understand.” But if, instead, a parent makes a general negative comment (“You really let me down”), the stereotyping centers of the primitive neural system are activated, which, over time, can lead to both hate and self-hate (“I’m terrible at math and I hate it”). This step harnesses our virtually unlimited capacity to categorize existence in specific and interrelated categories – an almost miraculous attribute of the enormous human brain that has allowed ust to build global civilizations based on the most sophisticated and powerful social, spiritual, and scientific systems.
Second, develop an us-us orientation, which requires you to try to empathize with others, even those with whom you have little or no natural sympathy. Empathy is not the same as sympathy. Through empathy we seek to understand – not justify – another person’s thoughts and feelings. It makes good sense to try to put yourself in the shoes of even your deadliest enemies. If you can understand what specifically motivates them, you stand a much better chance of reaching an accord with them, or at least coming up with the best possible strategy for outwitting or defeating them. As long as we can empathize, we are unlikely to fall into mindless hostility and demonization. This keeps us from slipping under the control of the primitive portions of the brain, where dislike is easily transmuted into hatred, empathy is obliterated, and opponents are transformed into a dehumanized “Them” subject to ruthless extermination. There is a growing body of evidence that the brain is remarkably like a muscle. The more its capacities are exercised, the more they strengthen. Children who, starting at an early age, are consistently encouraged to empathize with others tend to develop a robust capacity for empathy that can last a lifetime.
When violence or war is unavoidable, an empathic us-us perspective promotes reconciliation afterward. One of the most striking examples of the superiority of an us-us to an us-them approach came at the end of World War II. After the allies achieved total victory over the Axis powers, Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan were purged of the leaders who had directed the commission of crimes against humanity, their societies were restructured as democracies, and these nations were quickly brought back into the international community as equals. Though each country had made terrible mistakes and perpetrated unimaginable atrocities, we nevertheless recognized our common humanity and refused to ostracize, stigmatize, or demonize all Germans and Japanese. Consequently, Germany and Japan have become two of the most peaceful and prosperous nations in the world. This was in stark contrast to the punitive attitude embodied in the Treaty of Versailles that ended World War I, which laid the groundwork for ht rise of Adolf Hitler and an even more destructive war little more than two decades later.
Third, simply communicating the specific reasons that you feel angry or threatened can help dissipate negative emotions. The important point, again, is to be specific. One of the more dangerous aspects of hate is that if you talk about it using only the generalizations and stereotypes of the primitive neural system – what is often called “hate speech” – anger can be intensified and hatred inflamed.
Fourth, beyond simple communication, whenever possible seek to negotiate constructively and specifically to resolve sources of conflict and anger.
Fifth, educate yourself and others. An enormous amount of hatred and prejudice come from sheer ignorance. The more specific the knowledge you have about an individual, group, or culture, for example, the less likely you ar to fall into stereotypes, which are the breeding ground of hate. In general, sophisticated and rigorous education of any type tends to be good for the brain. It enormously strengthens the advanced neural system, allowing it to serve as a bulwark against primitive urges and impulses. But education itself is not enough unless it incorporates empathy, specificity, and the other elements of this strategy. When Hitler came to power, Germany was probably the best-educated nation in the world.
Sixth, try to cooperate with others in mutually beneficial ways whenever possible. This builds bonds of trust that can replace feelings of hate. In a profoundly important finding, social psychologists have discovered that cooperating with others to achieve a common goal tends to activate subconscious mechanisms in the primitive neural system that can erase us-them divisions. This is why, when a nation is attacked and sets about to repel the attackers, internal divisions often disappear. The tidal wave of patriotism and national unity that followed the September 11 attacks was a dramatic example of this phenomenon.
Seventh, try to put things into perspective rather than overreact. You might ask, for example, whether your anger is worth it or whether a threat is really that important. Just going through this kind of analytical exercise tends to engage the advanced neural centers and suppress the primitive neural system.
Eighth, make every effort to avoid a sense of being trapped. This may require the application of all previous steps, particularly communication and negotiation. If you are unhappy in your job, for example, let people know in a constructive way and, if possible, negotiate some changes. If you find that there is nothing you can do to change things, you might start exploring opportunities elsewhere. Or you might try to put things in a different perspective by viewing the frustrations you feel as creative challenges that can lead you to a new level of personal growth.
Ninth, if for whatever reason the primitive neural system has taken control and you find yourself gripped by hostility, even hatred, make every effort to seek out opportunities to immerse yourself in a positive way with the source of your hate. At the height of the cold war, for instance, American presidents regularly met face-to-face with Communist leaders. These meetings usually provided a constructive antidote to the propaganda-driven stereotypes that fueled antagonism on both sides. Positive immersion, like cooperation, tends to activate subconscious mechanisms that erode us-them division and primitive emotions.
Immersion applies not only to yourself, but to others as well, which is particularly important for children. Adults in every society have a special responsibility to seek to immerse children in an environment that is as free as possible of prejudice, bigotry, hatred, abuse, and violence. Research indicates that a child’s primitive neural system is tuned by the environment – though each child varies in his or her susceptibility to this tuning. Children tend to quickly absorb the bigotry and hatred around them. There can be lifelong biological consequences of immersion in a negative environment. Some children exposed to violence, abuse, and other forms of excessive stress may develop neurochemical abnormalities in their limbic systems. They may exhibit a permanent tendency to overreact to threats, even minor threats, with fear, anger, hatred, and even violence. Other children will exhibit just the opposite condition: their limbic systems will tend to underreact to threats, including the sanctions society imposes for violating accepted norms of behavior. Some of these children will become violent sociopaths, who will do whatever they want with little or no fear of the consequences and no empathy for those they hurt.
Tenth, and finally, seek justice, not revenge. Vengeful hatred tends to lock us into the past. In areas of the world that are dominated by hate, grievances are never forgotten, and the cycle of revenge and retaliation can go on for centuries. The most recent period of mass murder and ethnic cleansing in the Balkans had its beginning in 1987 when Serbian strongman Slobodan Milosevic traveled to the Yugoslavian province of Kosovo and made an inflammatory speech at the site of the Battle of Kosovo Polje, which the serbs lost to the Ottoman Turks in 1389. This ancient battle remains an emotionally resonant source of Serbian anger. Similarly, Osama bin Laden in his statements invariably referred to American and its Western allies as “crusaders” and called President Bush “crusader Bush” – all this in reference to the Christian crusades, which began at the end of the eleventh century and sought to wrest the Holy Land from Islamic control. Obtaining justice can be complex and difficult, but it requires a determined effort to seek a fair resolution of conflicts rather than a primitive venting of hostility and aggression.
At Amazon: Why We Hate: Understanding, Curbing, and Eliminating Hate in Ourselves and Our World.
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